Look At Me
by Ryooshi
Summary: I had to do a lot of corrections, because I origionally wrote it at 11:00 pm. Heero's dying. What are his last thoughts?


Look At Me

_As pointless as I know this is for me to say, I must for legal reasons. These characters, and even the whole concept of Gundam Wing, do not belong to me. Obviously, since I am just a simple 18-year-old who has taken her obsession with anime to the level of fan fiction writing. Please don't sue me, I still have to pay for my tuition when it's time to go to university. Anyway, Gundam Wing belongs to someone other than me, who I can't remember right now because it's 11:00 at night, and I just had to get this idea out of my head. I suppose the pop, tea, Popsicles, and fries aren't helping my memory any. _

_ _

**Look At Me**

Look at me. Right here, right now. Even this close to death, you can't see me. Oh, sure. You can see the me that I have shown you, but you never saw the real me. The me that was buried so far down, beaten and bruised to the point where I could no longer feel even the slight tug of what others have labeled their 'conscience'. Years and years of training, and beatings, and punishments ensured that I would have no problems with my former self. I have shown you all only what I find myself able to show. The hardened killer. This warrior that so many fear, the gundam pilot that others look up to, even the 'friend' that you tried so hard to make me. None of it is true. I'm not a warrior, I'm not a gundam pilot, and I'm not a true friend. I'm not of these things. I'm laying here on my deathbed, all my 'friends' along side of me, but none of you can see the turmoil in my heart. In my soul. As the life slowly drains from my body, I get flashes from my past. First from the war, and the warrior that I always pretended to be, running around killing people, trying desperately to keep these people away from him.

The training sessions that ruined my life. The beatings, the 'confinements' when I did wrong. Even the rewards when I did well. I can see when I was younger, and hacked into my first database, I was permitted to sleep in until nine that morning. Even something as simple as that was so luxurious. 

As I hit another flash, I see all that I tried so hard to bury into the farthest abyss of my mind. I saw myself, as a small child. A little boy, sitting on a swing. There was a girl behind this little me, pushing him. They looked so happy. I could hardly believe that I could have ever been that smiling little boy, wild brown hair blowing in the wind as he flew, prussian blue eyes sparkling with laughter. Flash again. I see my family. Those that I had forgotten so long ago. A mother, a father, my sister, and me. All in the picture perfect scene before me. I look at them, and I realize what I had been striving for this entire time. A family, peace, someone who would love me. Who would love me for me, and be able to see the real me. Such basic things, that I was never able to achieve. I had fought and won a war, protected my 'friends' suffered at the hands of those that strove to control me, but I was never able to achieve the basic human needs. Love. 

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

The flashes end. I can see those gathered around me. Some crying, some just staring into space, as I had noticed that they were customed to. The doctors came in, checking the machinery that I am hooked up to. Murmuring something, they turn to my entourage, and speak softly, just barely out of my hearing range. This causes a few to burst into fresh tears, and all but one file out. I wonder what is going on, until he starts to speak. It is Duo. I can tell by his forced enthusiasm, and his constant chatter. I know he is saying his last good-byes, but I don't care. He speaks of 'old times', and how he wished that he could have been there to protect me from the blast that was undoubtedly what is going to kill me. Finally, the idiot leaves, and the next person files in. I go through this, unable to stop them, to tell them that I don't want to hear them. I want to spend my last moments with people who love me, but even I know that is impossible. One must be loved to be surrounded by loved ones. 

Finally, I near the end of this long line. All have said something or another about how they were sorry that they didn't get to know me better, or how they enjoyed all the times we went around shooting people, or blowing things up. I think that they are all gone. The door opens, and I can hear familiar footsteps. I know those steps so well, from all the years I spent protecting, and fighting for them. All the times I ran away from them, only to sit by and watch, wishing wistfully that I could join them in walking, or even spinning around a dance floor. Relena. It could be no other. 

She comes to the side of the bed and I can feel her hoping, no, _praying_, that I was still alive. Kneeling at the head of my bed, I feel her take my hand, and she pressed her soft lips to my callused skin. I am unable to speak, or even to move, and so I cannot question her actions. I don't understand why she did that, but my thoughts are ceased as she begins to speak. 

"Heero."

She pauses, and I can feel a small drop of liquid fall to my hand, still clutched tightly in her delicate fingers. 

"No, I don't know why I even hoped that you would answer. They say you are almost gone, and I can feel it as well. I wish you wouldn't go, Heero, but I know I can't stop you. I never could, could I. There's so much we had left Heero. Can you believe that I was going to tell you how I felt? I was going to tell you when you got back. I never got a chance though, so I'm going to tell you now. 

"Heero, I know you. I know you better than you think I do. I know that you never wanted to fight. I could sense it about you. You didn't want to kill anyone, you wanted nothing to do with the war, did you Heero? I could feel it about you. But you fought. I know you felt you had to. You were protecting the peace, the alliance, and even me, but I know you didn't want to. I know that when you go, you will be happier. You don't have to fight anymore Heero. Go back to before the war, go back to your parents, and if you had any siblings, go back to them. They're waiting for you. Go, play in your sandbox, on your swing, walk along the beaches, without having to worry about spies, or bombs, or bullets, or even your gundam. Go back to times when you were happy. Even if it means that you forget all the good things that you've done here, you deserve a peaceful afterlife. Heero, I love you."

I can feel her, leaning over me, pressing her lips to mine, in a kiss that I have dreamt about since the day I first me her. She returns to her seated position, and whispers to me. "I won't leave your side until it's over, Heero, I promise you that. You've been alone for too long, I don't want you die alone. I'll be here."

Her words and actions surprise me far more than anything ever has. I had never realized that she returned the feelings that I had worked so hard to suppress. The very idea of her loving an emotionless killing machine was so very far beyond me. I muster all the energy that is in my almost lifeless body. Enough energy that I could move my hand fractionally, just enough to let her know that I could hear and understand her. She gasps as I move, and stands. I fear that she will run off to get the doctors, but heave a mental sigh of relief as she doesn't. Relena sits on the bed beside me, and lays down, stretching out alongside of me, putting her arm around me. 

So close to death, I could see it's figure over me, but I do not resist, and I realize that I have my greatest wish. I have a love, a family, a friend. All that I always wanted; only this woman was able to show me that I had. As I slip out of my body, I can feel her crying. Looking to the cloaked figure, it nods, and I walk to her side, whispering my last words to her. 

"I thank you, Relena. You gave me my greatest wish, to die surrounded by those that love me. You gave me friendship, a family, a love. Do not grieve. I will see you again, when your time comes. I love you. Good-bye, my love."

Her sobs subside, and I lean over her, kissing her forehead. Walking back to the cloak, a bright light appears, where I can see my family, waiting for me. I walk into the light, and meet the embrace of all those that I had known in life before the war. 


End file.
